& A Hush Fell Over The Crowd PT1

                                       

*Disclaimer: there are still typos and other things that need to be adjusted and/or fixed, so feel free to email and corrections you see to connectfourlife@gmail.com*

ALEMENOHPI

I had the most vivid Dreamery just now.  What is a Dreamery you ask?  It’s a dream of a memory that often times feels like your are reliving them again.  Have you ever had déjà vu in your dreams?  It was in the fall of an unusually cold season for Houston, we even had a snow day that year, which is unlikely for our region.  Don’t get the idea of a snow in out of context.  In Houston if you get any small amount of ice on the roads to remain ice, it is a huge issue for us.  There was hardly enough snow to make a snow doll, but we try to enjoy all we can get of snow in Texas.  The afternoon had become more like spring than wintery, you know Houston weather is like that.  You see the condensation of your breath with every exhale in the morning, then you are reunited with that very moisture on your brow before nightfall.  Change is so common, and yet we feel the need complain about it’s occurrence, even when said changes consistently happen.  So are the people indigenous to Houston and its temperature patterns. 

I was day dreaming at the time about a cartoon that I was enamored with, it was called Robotech.  I had never seen anything like it before.   Jets that turned into robots, it was the coolest idea since Legos.  Some parts reminded me of those boring soap operas that came on in the middle of the day during the summer.  Well my teacher Mrs. Tucker didn’t care much for my mental rump away from the task at hand and decided she would reward me.  So of course she pick the quiet boy to  go 1st in practicing ABC’s.  I was surprised when I heard my name being called.  That I didn’t even hear until Bruce Brown nearly shoved me into the window I was gazing into.  I have a tendency to drown out noises from time to time.  Usually when I am stressed or when I zone out in deep thought. Well for a young lad that is usually fueled by a book or animated wonderland.  I was wondering how might a Zentredi look trying to play in the open field in the rear of the private school. I was not ready to get with the program, but I just couldn’t say no to my teacher.  It was uncommon to disrespect educators in those days, nor adults for that matter.

 There were giggles and hushes from my classmates standing and staring at me, I didn't like this at all.  In Those days I  was nervous enough just speaking as it was and now I was going to be forced to exhaust myself in front of the whole class.  I didn’t communicate much back then, because it took so much out of me.
"Just look at me, don't mind those silly boys" said Ms. Tucker.
"Ok Miss Tucker" I responded softly after swallowing hard.  At the time I was already sweating more than normal.
"Just hurry and say the alphabet so everyone a turn, ok." There was a look on her face, it seemed like she almost regretted letting me go 1st.  But after the meeting with Brother Phoenix about me always being last or left out altogether, she reluctantly started to involve me more in activities.  This caused a lot of increased embarrassment for me, I like it better when I was just the quiet shy little boy.
"He can not say tha A Ba Cee's?" whispered the new girl named Sheree to one of the boys.
"Weerd huh, him not know how ta saai..."
"Hush Brian Brown or I will put YOU up 1st!" barked Ms. Tucker. Sebastian was glad for the delay.
"I dos well ta do mwy ABuhC's Miss Tucker! Pwiece of  nilla Cake!" said Brian with a triumphant snagga-tooth smile.
"What did I just say Brian!? Go sit in the corner and face the wall young man! You too Sheree, I will not have that sort of behavior in my classroom!" she ordered.
"Bu miss is nawt my fwault he's..." the look on Ms. Tucker's face quieted him and he hurried to the corner, Sheree following slowly behind as she looked back at me.  Our eyes connected like kindred spirits, Sheree had just recently moved in next door and we had caught sight of one another once before while I was looking out the window.
"Now hurry up Sebastian, you should know this by know."
Brian Brown had been mumbling under his breath about me, I could hear his every word.  How he wanted to wop me upside the head for getting him in trouble.
I began after a slight hesitation.
"a, b, c, d..." I began softly trying to focus my concentration.
 "Louder please!  You need to speak up so everyone can hear you." Her voice had leveled to a normal tone by the end the sentence. I had hoped to make an easier task of the situation by using a low tone.  Her abrupt voice fluctuation slightly increased my heart rate.
Umkay...Ei, eFf, Gee..."  Continuing where I  left off trying to get it over with.
"No, you need to start from the beginning." Interrupted Ms. Tucker.
Foiled again by my illustrious teacher.  I didn't too much care for her you know, but would dare not wish ill will upon her, Brother Phenyx would not approve, and would inevitably find out. Somehow he always did. I began to focus, Hakmah training kicking in. I inhaled, exhaled, then inhaled again. Deeply.
"A, B, C, D, E, F, G..." My words coming out strongly now, I made a slight pause. My sweating always doubled by the time I got to the letter G, which always reminded me to pray to God on the inside for strength.
"...H, I, J, K, ALEMENOhpi, q," there was a slight strain in my voice by then and a substantial heaviness in my breathing had set in.
"No Sebastian, that is not how you say it, try again" interrupted his teacher. My face frowned for a moment, almost as much for the fact that I kept messing up my ABC's as for the tone in her voice.
“now you know the letters, L, M, N, O, P…just like that.  L, M, N, O, P…”
A condescending tone, or condensation, back then my brother and I used to argue over which word it was Uncle Adonijah used, he always used bigger words. I was only 7 1/2 years old at the time.  I quickly straitened my face, Brother Phenyx never appreciated the look of frustration and was not about to add that to the list of complaints I was sure would be sent home on my daily progress card.
"Ok...ummm A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I...J...K......." I was hard pressed trying to concentrate while the sweat was now dripping down my nose.
"Come on, just say it." Now the face of frustration was consuming her.
"Jay.....Kay...aALLLEEEMEN..oh..pi...q" my voice dissipated as I lowered my head in shame and sighed.
"C'mon Sebastian." The teacher said slightly slapping her left hand to her forehead with a sigh that breezed the smell of stuffed bell pepper in his face. I hate the smell of bell pepper and was not about to attempt it again.  It was bad enough I was in a speech remediation class, instead of in the normal class with the normal kids. With my head cocked down in silence, Ms. Tucker could tell I had shut down once again, and given up.

"You're hopeless." She says throwing up her hands. “What am I going to have to tell your guar..father…whatever he is.”

The room seemed suddenly more uninviting and hostile as there were snickers from some of my fellow classmates.  I remember darting my eyes left to right, up and down, as if comfort had a location and all I needed to do was look into it’s eyes.  One Girl felt sorry for me, but she look away as if she couldn't stand to watch.  The many peering eyes of judgment and ridicule became a blur as sorrow's condensation overtook my light brown eyes. This only fueled the laughter of the meaner students not to mention the frustration of Ms. Tucker. Who by now was complaining to herself aloud as she released the kids to play freely while she regained her composure.  All accept Sebastian, Brian, and Sheree took advantage of the situation.  By now my cheeks were no longer dry, what little confidence I had was gone, like a desert without oasis.  I felt my only help had given up on me. I was so thankful that my brothers had not witnessed this debacle, at least I
 was spared the cackles of his slightly elder sibling Daedan. For now.  All I could think about was home, and how I would have to look the old bird, Uncle, and Zee in the face and bare their parental sternness?

No one understood my struggles in those days, I hardly did myself? I spent years agonizing and questioning God about why this…thing had to happen to me.  Back then I felt so cursed.  Everyone assumed I had speech issues, or that I was just retarded.  Oh how many times I  wished someone could know and understand how such a normally simple task as saying your ABC's required such strain and concentration on my part. The dread of that look waiting at home after Uncle Adonijah and eventually Brother Phenyx have read his daily progress report  hung over my like a storm cloud, and the remainder  of my day just drifted under that shadow of despair.  To have to hear those familiar words "that will just not do" in their native French was only surpassed by those piercing eyes of disappointment from Uncle Adonijah followed by the rapid fire recitation of "reasonable expectations" which seemed merely an iron clad reminder of his inadequacies.

How many times would I have to recite it himself in English, then French, then Greek. What they truly expected from me as a  1st grader seemed so out of reach at the time.  I knew my uncle so disliked being pulled away from his research and that memory redirected my boyish phobia.  A scarier thought materialized in my mind, what if Uncle Adonijah realized some interesting trait of the weird condition afflicting me and wanted to....run test.  He was dreadfully intense in his science, eccentrically engrossed in every experiment equally.  I feared missing school for months, years even.  Little did I know the extent to which they already knew or my unique situation.  My mental rollercoaster was interrupted when Sheree walked over to me with a tissue and begin trying to dry my cheeks with a such a look of pity and remorse, I felt more sorrow for my plight.  "I sowy Se-Bas-shon.  I not meen to bee bad at you. I…" There was more Sheree said, but I don’t know what, by then I had shrunk into my own world silent world and drowned out all, silencing the noise from crowd around me.  He could see Brian mouthing off in my peripheral vision, I could not read lips and whatever he was saying was of no interest to me at the time.  


SHHHH IF YOU KNOW MY NAME

    In the recesses of my mind, are many memories like this one; painful.  I have a tremendous brain capacity if I may toot my own horn.  Yet it seems that the most vivid are the one’s that carry the most painful memories.  Not to mention they are also the memories that most frequently pop into my mind when I zone out and lately I have been zoning out quite frequently since things with my girl have been waning.  I could just blame God, he is spinning this planet on the bottom of his boots isn’t he.  Shoot who am I fooling, this has to be my fault right?  Well at least I met a true friend that day.  I am not like other guys.  Since my early adolescence, I have been longing for that one special girl.  In the early 90’s, gansta rap was gaining momentum in the hearts of popular culture, and as I was in middle school it was becoming of a young man to pursue relations with the ladies.  I can’t front, I was noticing the girls as they were developing into womanhood, I began having familiar feelings for the opposite sex, that actually started when I had an unexpected rendezvous with a special magazine that showed me more than
I ever has seen of a woman.  I was no older than six or seven when this happened and living with a foster family.  Years later my body came aflame with the stimulations of the past.  Yet I was going to church most every Sunday and had latched onto the idea of being different out of duty to God.  I witnessed my peers to the left and right turn their minds toward the path of “getting some” but I felt there was some honorable purpose in being a one woman guy.  A hopeful romantic I suppose, despite all of the loves who didn’t look at life as I did…with me in it.  I was never one to talk much.  I was shy and quiet. Unassuming, and common.  If you read my various yearbooks, you might consider me a charmer.  “You’re the nicest guy I know,” “Stay sweet,” “…one of the sweetest guys I know.”  Not chocolate sweet, women could actually resist my flavor.  These days my brand of sweetness is often misused, overlooked, and corrupted into harsh selfishness or resentment of the opposite sex.  I guess the same could be said of those days as well.  I can’t keep up with all the imaginations, fantasies, and infatuations I had toward various females.  I’ve heard it called unrequited love, it was a drug to me, and though I never gave myself fully to it, I was a slave to the idea of finding that perfect girl that I could grow old with.  It seemed like a simple idea, but my life was more complicated than a rubix cube, but as my teacher keeps telling me, the difficult is pretty easy once you gain an understanding of it.  

    I know what you are thinking, “You don’t know complicated until you’ve walked in my shoes!“  Trust me when I tell you that you have taken for granted the very things that I struggle to do on a daily basis.  Well let me not be so negative, you see it is easy to generalize toward negativity, and I know that I am thankful for ease in the things that once used to suck the very life out of me.  I am so much stronger now, than when I was back then.  I so hate to visit my painful past, but often it is in times of pain that I find myself lost in my thoughts, and stuck in a daydream or day-mare.  However my dreams are often exact recreations of my life, exact memories that have been stored and expertly filed into my grey-matter.  If you ask most people, they will tell you that they don’t have a photographic memory, but this is untrue.  Everyone has photographic memory, but most people have bad film.  I have extremely good film. Even more strange, I don’t even remember when, or how I learned to do this, but I have extremely vivid memories and often dream them, even while awake.  I have had to train myself to visualize all of  my painful memories as if I am an observer, like they didn’t happen directly to me, even though I know they did.  It helps ease the pain and sometimes I even find myself narrating them to others as an observer rather than actually living through it, the few that I have told initially find it odd that I tell many autobiographical stories in the third person.  So don’t think me strange, if you only knew how accursedly real these images are in my head you would empathize with me I am certain and perhaps even praise me for the ingenious method by which I have found to lessen the emotional trauma if you also suffered from the affliction.  I currently feel like I am heading into one of those painful memories.

    Have you ever felt like your whole life was classified and everyone older than you knew you, better than you did? No? Count the blessing.  I was home schooled, sort of.  I lived in an orphanage of sorts and was schooled in-house.  Brother Zenith, whom we now call Zee taught us history, Literacy, and social sciences.  Zee could have easily been the voice behind a popular late night R&B radio broadcast, or the replacement for the gentleman Bill Pearce from the “Night Sounds “ radio ministry out of Illinois.  He was a timeless man, his hair cut has always been considered “in-style” for any gentleman of class by people familiar to any decade.  His dress was classic, from the three piece suits, button up ties, vests, trenches, he looked like the guy they modeled the term GQ.  His humility was uncommon for such a dresser, but perfect for that of a butler born into royalty.  As a matter of fact, there is an inside joke between he and Bro. Phoenix, the most peculiar one of them all whom we will get to in a moment, about his days of hobnobbing with kings and queens.  Then there was Bro. Matt who taught us the sciences & their applications.  He is a well built and well traveled man who’s accent can’t seem to figure out which country he’s from.  This may be because he claims to know almost every language there is on earth, even a few dead one’s.  Built like one of the Spartan 300, I’ve often joked how da Vinci would have fallen dead if he’s even seen Bro. Matt shirtless, because he will have realized that he never quite grasped the fill musculature of man.  Now that I mention it, he looks like a slightly older version of the Vitrulian Man. Interesting how I just realized that.  Bro. Matt well acquainted with the life of an extreme survivalist, but can also mingle with aristocrats and politicians.  His speech pattern is weird, it like he speaks English but switches between any given accent randomly or sometimes it seems all the possible accents simultaneously.  This takes some getting used to by ear, good luck trying to actually write out how he says it on paper.  We also have an  Uncle Adonijah who taught us math and all manner of engineering fields.  He is perhaps the most presently consumed person I know.  Always into his experiments and theories, he constantly has ten to fifteen technological break through on the horizon at any time.  Of all of our guardians, I must say that he can be one of the most interesting and profitable.  He has developed things for our personal use and enjoyment that don’t exist anywhere on earth, sure he may be using us as guinea pigs to test out many of his ideas, but it’s like being a videogame nut and having a job where you get to test the best and newest games.  I am presently trying to find a way to trick him into making me a one-off space age vehicle, but tricking him is almost as impossible as getting something over on Bro. Phoenix, which is impossible.  Uncle Adonijah tackles everything like a master chess player, it was once said by a man on one of our “field trips” that he saw him play 5 games simultaneously against Bobby Fisher.  Once I saw a movie that played heavily on his life, I realized that I would probably never match his prowess on those “64” alternating squares.  *sigh* See normally that would have been when Uncle Adonijah would correct me and say that there are a total of 204 squares on a chess board.  Man I miss him, the lab coat covering his monochromatic attire.  He always wore the same color shirt, pants, shoes, socks, wife-beater, belt, watch, and underwear.  All custom made with the exception of the shoes which were always Chuck Taylors, always.  I believe he performed some mighty feat of engineering for them because he could get a pair in any color or pattern.   Lastly there is Bro. Phoenix who was our head spiritual advisor, Martial Arts instructor and “Testing administrator” of the whole operation.  Bro. Phoenix was built like a professor on the Bruce Lee training program.  He looks to be at least in his mid-forties , but then again he looks just like he did when I was a child.  Strangely enough, he has always been able to physically hang with our levels of energy, always full of life and wisdom.  Even when we didn’t ask for it.  Just this past holiday I had to remind him that he can’t beat me in a race, mind you I kind of cheated, but he knew who he was racing.  Then he soundly whooped me in a Hokmah trial. If you ever fought him, you could easily find yourself hitting yourself…literally. I held back a little, but I am not sure it would have mattered for too long.


All three of them loved music, so music interwoven into the curriculum.  They where all like fathers to us, ministers at churches of various denominations,  and heads of quite a few business endeavors.  Due to recent events, we were forced to relocate and upon graduation, split up.  Daedan, my brother from another mother(and father) and I moved with Zee, and our other two brothers Phorce and Ryn lives with Bro. Matt.   I am Sebastian by the way,  but my peoples call me Hush.  This relocation thing all happened after the day Uncle Adonijah disappeared.
    Currently Daedan and I were enrolled at OU located in Norman Oklahoma.  Why there you ask, well I would have to blame that on Miss Jones.  She visited one of the other homes run by The La Base De Charité Foundation owned by friends of Phoenix’s to recruit their daughter into the Minority Engineering Program there, and somehow he was convinced to send us there as well, as long as Miss Jones promised to look after us.  I got into Architecture and Daedan a Chemical Engineering/Biology double major.  Our love for music drove us both to get a minor in music and take 21 hrs a semester to make it happen.  That may seem like overkill but I had an insatiable appetite for knowledge and an uncanny ability to never forget, mental Elephantiasis we joked .  It’s like a photographic memory in HD.


100 DEGREES IN THE 90’S

    College life was a different from my upbringing, and I evolved into a sweetness bleached by the social orders of the mid 90’s.  Females weren’t worth more than whores and tricks, playthings for the children of Death Row.  At least that’s what was playing on the airwaves.  I loathed the radio stations even then.  There was a time when they would play the new music from anyone, but then the word was that money played the melody of daily  radio programming.  I love music, grew up on hip hop and old school R&B.  Fell in love with classical and jazz while learning to extend the slide of a trombone.  I think my admiration for ladies began in elementary school, and I had a thing for the yellow bones…and the yellow skin, and the long straight hair.  By yellow-bone I mean that skin of yellow cake complexion, that amber hue of smoothness.  Not sure where and when that preference surfaced from.
    Social shenanigans seemed simple enough, a smile and a hello on the side walk would turn into a conversation in line at the university store and grill.  An intent look in the eyes would lead into a simple exchange of “what is your name“ or “where are you from.”  In a college town like Norman Oklahoma, home of the Sooners, minority students got to know one another well.  Many more thoroughly than others, with many of those from the opposite sex.  Once you meet one person, you eventually meet their friends whom you’ve seen on campus but have yet to officially meet.  I met many young ladies out of sheer animal drive, though I had enough church in me to not pursue the deeper arts of sensuality.  Over the years, I’ve learned the beauty of the woman to come in many shades, that excitement can be conjured by many hues.  Some beauty is expertly flaunted and socially acceptable to the pop culture, but there is a beauty that one must dig and search for as an archeologist.  Most are too closed minded to find it, but once you’ve, almost by accident, seen a mere fragment of it sticking out of a woman, one has to only carefully uncover it.  I tell you that such beauty is more valuable than a statuesque supermodel.  I found my excitement from women came not only from the aesthetic eye candy, but also the intoxicating attention they would eventually give you.  I had been having an encounter of sorts with a beautiful young lady who sang opera in the school of fine arts.  We were originally introduced though a mutual friend, an upperclassmen who would be graduating that spring.  This was my sophomore year and she also was a senior as our mutual acquaintance.  At first I thought that she was a pursuit of his, being the canine that he was, but he seemed more interested in her getting to know me.  We hit it off too well and I began majoring in her instead of Architecture.  Daedan tried to warn me of my folly, albeit late.  Love had it’s hooks in me, I was it’s trophy.
“Fam, I see this upper-class chick got you open like Wal-Mart, bout time they got one in Norman”, he joked
“Hey, at least I’m a one woman man Dae”, I responded
“Look Fam, I just have a lot of friends, I can’t help it if ladies like me”
“That’s because you always seem to have some witty saying, females like that for some reason, they can‘t get enough of Tha Familiar One.” I said in my best theatrical tone.
We had a good laugh, but before I knew it, I was zoned out.  Reading an email she had sent me this morning while I was in my Auto-CAD class working on a special project.
“Hush…HUSH!” But I didn’t Hear Dae yelling at the top of his lungs. I felt vibrations and when I looked around I saw my Familiar talking to someone at the door and pointing at me.  Then he started laughing, and as I realized what had happened, I started to hear the voice of our neighbor cracking up as well.  When I zoned out, I zoned out.
“Ohh, so now you want to listen Fam, I’ve been yelling for five minutes and you just literally tuned me out.” He said after he shut the door.
“my bad Dae, I was reading…”
“You were on cloud 9 Fam, about to kiss the monitor!” he interrupted, but he was far from the truth.
“Naw Dae…I mean…how long had I…”
“Man I’m up here cooking a late breakfast and the bacon stops popping, do you understand the ramifications of that”
“My bad, it’s just things are kinda iffy with my girl, and I just got this email from her…” I almost teared up.
“Fam, she trying to John Deere you on email?!  Forreaaal!”
“I’m not sure Dae, but I need to talk to her in person.”
Then for a second, he took a more serious tone.
“Mon famille, professeur est bouleversé avec vous, vous ont se cachant “
The fact that he spoke in French made me a bit uneasy.  We’ve had a multi-lingual upbringing, and we never jest in French, that language is reserved for business purposes, except for Dae, who often spoke it to the ladies.
“I’ve been…I' ; le VE été occupé…Avec des études”
“Forreal!? Fam, you AINT been putting your head in NO books,”
“Nous passons beaucoup de notre heure à la bibliothèque… étudiant.”
(We spend a lot of our time at the library...studying)
“You’ve been to the Library A LOT, but your studies involved the PA-SSIONS of beneficial sociology and psychology to the mixing of oral biological fluids”, he hooted.
“She’s not that type of girl…Fam” I responded with irritation.
“You getting your Masters in getting it on huh”, He liked rubbing it in.
“I heard yall in the reference section Fam, under LUUUV…” And usually takes it too far.
“Don’t make the Guardians have to come regulate on you. You know they’re G’s!” he hollar’d
I started blasting “Nothin But a G Thang” to drown out his jokes and immediately started checking out my hotmail account, which I’d neglected, I had 40 emails between Phenyx and Zenith, but I didn’t want to be bothered with that at the moment, I had an important appointment to make.






LOVE DIVIDED BY LOVE

    It was that time, and she hadn’t come to our usual meeting place, and I sat there for 2 hours, not upset, but hoping that she would at least walk through the student center.  It was dark by the time I left and I headed to the theater building where she usually practiced.  As I walked into the auditorium there were many chairs, all empty in their crimson classiness.  The lights where dim with the exception of the overhead lighting that illuminated the center of the stage as if waiting on a celebrity they where meant to shine upon.  I could hear a voice singing from behind the stage.  As I got closer my spirits perked up as I could tell it was the one voice I wanted to hear.  I also heard the voice of her instructor, whom I must say was stealing a lot of time from us.  I often wished he would grow insanely sick and be hospitalized, then hate myself because of the thought.  As I got closer I was happy to see that it wasn’t just my mind playing tricks on me, through a crack in the door I could see my Venus mouth wide open, and flexing muscles of the neck taught as if loosening would cause her head to collapse on her shoulders.  Such lovely shoulders, such a lovely neck, such an ugly instructor.  If only he could look half as good as he could help her to sing.  It suddenly crossed my mind as to why she was here.  She had a huge performance coming up, and representatives from many prominent theater companies where going to be there.  It was a huge opportunity for realize her dreams. So I climbed up to my favorite seat in the house, high up in the lighting scaffolds, it allowed me to look undisturbed and to perfectly hear what was going on in every room backstage. I had been testing the acoustics of the whole complex and knew all the best seats and spots to get the best sound quality.

    They practiced for almost two hours after I arrived, and when they were coming out of the theater I was sitting there waiting on a bench outside the exit that was always used for late night practices.  I had been practicing creating a sound wave strong enough to crack an acorn, and simultaneously silencing the sound with dampening techniques I read on the internet that were being developed for headphones.
“Hush?! What are you doing here?” looking surprised to see me.  I was too, she almost caught me blasting an acorn.
“Uh, H..Hey baby” I  said trying to act like I wasn’t doing mischief.
She hugged me, but not like the hugs that I had grown to loved. “See you Professor, my escort is here.” She said looking back and waving.  He asked if we needed a ride to our dorms and I politely declined.
“boy what are you doing all the way out here this la…ohhhhh!” she remembered, that she forgot to tell me about practice.  Gotta love make-up affection!
“Uh huh, you know you had me worried for almost 2 hours, I had to eat your burger and fries, which was almost just a good as you being there”
“Oh forreal, I see, well maybe I will run over there and jump in the Professors ride and let you walk off all that adultery, just another typical man.” she saw so easily through my sarcasm, but then it was as intended. 
“We need to talk Vee” I said looking into her eyes, and gripping her hands tightly.
“Your not going to propose are you?” she said jokingly.  We’ve discussed that we wanted to wait until I graduated and she had her career established before even thinking of making such plans.
I started to get down on one knee and then stopped half way, “No, seriously…I am afraid that we are drifting apart and I want answers”
“Hush, You know what happened last time we got too close, and I don’t want to go there right now.” We started walking toward the dorms.
“I know Vee, but I miss what we had…you are like my world, I have respiratory issues because we see so little of each other.”
“Boy stop” she said bumping into me and I, pretending to be bumped harder than she actually did, fell over.
Looking up at her, “I’m falling for you, my star,” She giggled
“Hush, Hush” She reached out to help me up.
“I fell for you long ago Venus, and I want 1000% of the recommended daily allowance of You, I want to breath you in and hold you in my lungs until I pass out into eternity, I want to drink you until my belly is full and you spill out of my mouth, just so I can rub you all over my skin.  I want to be diagnosed with type 1 & 2 diabetes because I have ingested too much of your sweetness, then be drunk off your love and have a terrible accident just to they could feed me your love directly into my blood stream.”
“Hush, you know I adore your words, I know how deeply you care, for me…but I see you neglecting yourself.  You are letting grades slip, becoming anti-social.  I am not an idol for you to put on a pedestal and worship, and I am afraid that one day you are going to see me for who I really am…and walk away seeking your fictional Venus.”
“I would never do that Vee, I’d…”
“You would hurt yourself before you would hurt me.  How can you truly love someone if you neglect yourself.  How can we grow old together if you can’t function trying to serve my fictional needs, I love you Sebastian and I want to see you succeed in life, not turn into this dysfunctional shell of yourself.” She was starting to tear up, and that was getting contagious.  We sat down looking into each others soul, and I saw her hurting for me.
“Do you think this is your fault? NO, it’s me.  I’ve always been overlooked by girls, never given a chance, never good enough. You were the first to truly see me as a treasure, and that made me want to make you feel that same feeling you give me.  I’ve tried my best to do that and now I see that I have only run away the best thing that ever happened to me.”
“Best thing?” she butted in.
“Second best thing, the 1st led me to you.” I corrected myself.
“At service last week the minister said that sometimes God will remove the thing that keeps you away from Him, I don’t want to be removed from you Bastian.”
“I thought we always got the desires of our hearts?”
“Well I’ve been taught that our desires have to be refined before granted, or else we may be committing suicide with a prayer”
“Well I was taught…yeah Zee always says that over time, desire grants trials and troubles, but discipline grants favor and blessings.”
“Bro. Zenith always has a wise word, you should listen more often.  I have been thinking Bastian…”, But I stopped her for fear of what might be said.
“Can you hold that thought for me until we get to your room” she conceded.
    We began walking again and I began talking about all the great times we had.  The long talks in the student center, the evening walks across campus, the bible discussions, the debates over who was the best old school rapper.  I still think it is Rakim, but she insisted on Big Daddy Kane.  I had vivid memories of everything we did together, she was surprised at how much I remembered and the accuracy of details was “almost” as good as a woman’s.  I was searching the whole time, for that one memory, I was skipping all the memories that left negative marks, and looked for that one memory.  That one memory that would fix in her head that we need to stay together.  That one memory didn’t seem to come even to me, then I attempted to paint the portrait of the perfect couple that never would break up, but my memory started giving out on me, I ran down every corridor, every cerebral database, every filed image, every conversation, every syllable of each word we shared, but no elusive code could be found.  More Like old friends, less like present lovers, did our conversation switch dimensions.  I was looking around in my world and it began to look alien.  The trees had an unnatural sway in the wind, the breeze seemed to laugh at my calamity.  The snapdragons in the landscaping hung their heads in loving memory of my happiness that was slipping away.  They say it is better to lose love than to never have loved.  But how can that be, does a fall from 10 ft compare to that off 10 thousand?  Does a match wow the natives of a primitive peoples when they have seen a flamethrower?  Will a light bulb sooth a soul when it has tasted the sun and then lost it?  But as we reached her place, and I saw that she was not breaking up with me in her heart, but seeking to fix what she felt was warped with time.  We held each other for a long time and squeezed the tears out of each others eyes, then she finally withdrew.  I was hoping she would not catch on to my intensions of not letting go.
“I will go into the arms of my career until you see what I have seen, and hear what I have heard of how our love must be in order to thrive, I will love you till then Sebastian.”
Then she turned and entered the complex, while I could no longer find the words. Hush, Bastian, no just Sebastian…silent.


THE MASTER


    I didn’t get to my room til 4am, when my computer realized that I had returned to the room, it woke up from hibernation, and my emails sat there staring at me.  My email account was stacked, he had sent me a surprising number of messages since last I saw him during winter break.  The initial one was as any other email, asking how I was doing.  Inquiry about new friends, opportunities for evangelism on campus, warnings about post modernism in higher educational circles, focusing my thoughts on God consistently and attempting to set up a video conference with me the following week.  Which was a month ago.  He is a missionary much like the Apostle Paul in the scriptures, traveling between the civilized world and the ends of the earth.  His residence used to be a house that was more like a modern day castle but he prefers the simpler life of a third-worlder…with global communications capabilities.  He was on his way here this week to see about me. As inconvenient as that is going to be, he is a faithful mentor and father figure whether I appreciated it or not.  The subsequent messages began getting really weird, most notably…the questions about a secret friend I’d been hiding from him.  I don’t fully understand how he does it, but he has this uncanny ability to know things no one has told him.  He’s an enigma, AARP in appearance, fit like an Olympic athlete, and mind sharper than a super computer.  Always a hero in my eyes, little did I know that we have more in common than residency.  If not for him I would have never been able to live a normal life with my short comings…and my blessing.  Yet here I was trying to deceive a man given the nick name “Up-Stairs man” because as children it seemed no matter how far away he was, he was able to uncover every offence I ever committed.  I might as well been lying to God himself, which inadvertently I was also.
    The day came quickly, and we met in the student center.  He embraced me as soon as I was in arms reach, it was as warm and embarrassing as I remembered.  He quickly commenced with the small talk.  He told me of his latest adventures, and how God moved like “an old kung-fu master” with unrivaled precision, striking the enemy un-expectantly, yet in the time tested manner He always does.  We had a good laugh when he quipped that I speak eloquently for an avid mute hip-hop enthusiast.
“For someone who can’t talk, I have a lot to say,” I retorted.
As the laughter died down his face took a more solemn tone.  The deep amber rays from the sun cut a partition between he and I as he leaned back and cleared his throat.
"Ainsi mon fils, qui est elle ?"(so my son, who is she)
"Venus, she is a wonderful song, and I love her"
"Amour ? Pour Dieu ainsi aimé le monde, comprenez-vous vraiment l'amour avec des femmes ?" (Love? For God so Loved the World, do you really understand what it means to love women?)
"What do mea...Que voulez-vous dire en posant une telle question ? JE SAIS L'AMOUR! I got a bit upset, how could he ask me if I know about love?
"Hush...Calmez vers le bas, vous sont hors de caractère. Focus!"
He was right, I needed to calm down, I had begun "talking" without moving my lips.  Being a mute at birth, I was blessed with a compensation.  In public, I had to learn how to pretend to be normal.  Going through the motions of speaking without actually doing so.  Causing the sound to emanate from my throat. Its almost second nature now, but occasionally I forget when I get too emotional.  I apologized, looked down and got focused.
Phoenix continued, "Il y a des raisons que je t'ai demandé de se distancer des filles"
(There are reasons I asked you to distance yourself from girls)

"I know, I know, but she is different...Elle est spéciale"
"L'amour lui-même est spécial, je doutent que vous comprenez comment vous êtes censé traiter quelqu'un d'une manière spéciale, pour ne pas les idolâtrer."
(Love itself is special, I question whether you understand how you are supposed to treat someone in a special way, not idolize them.)

That was a good question, how do you properly love someone and not idolize them.  Had I been doing that? She was my everything, and other things didn't seem to matter to me.  I only went to class because she said it would make her sad for me to fail a class on her account. She said that would display an actual lack of love on her part.  Could this be why she'd really been keeping me at distance? Why she wouldn't let me get to close.
"You know father, I've been over stepping my boundaries and she has been aloof as of late, this has led to my deep depression now." I couldn't look him in the eye as I said it.
"I figured as much," he replied while leaning forward.  His face was now in the sun's rays.
"I had already forgiven you of that much before you said it."
    He began to say something, but stopped as his attention was interrupted by someone behind me, He immediately stood up and played old clumsy man.
“Pardon me Madame, don’t despise an old clumsy man” He said with his best French accented English.
“Aww, it’s ok sir, are you good, I know I was going 60 in a 20”
“Vee?!” My heart began racing as the odd feeling of tingles down my spine and the embarrassment of being once again reminded that I was caught in my secret, left an uneasy euphoria.  At 1st confused, I quickly realized what he was doing because it was Venus who was rushing from behind that he was acting for.
“Sebastian…h..hey” she was just as surprised as I was, and the tension density increased.
“Veuillez agréer mes excuses, I didn' ; t ont des intentions de blesser une si belle jeune dame” (Please accept my apology, I didn't have intentions of hurting such a beautiful young lady) Phoenix broke the awkwardness.
The old man was breaking protocol, for a female, I see where Dae gets it from. I nearly forgot to cover my infirmity, and almost spoke without moving my mouth.  Nearly choking my own spit and spitting out a clear response at the same time.  I regained my composer and formally introduced them.
“Venus, this is Master Phenyx, Master, this is….my umm, friend Venus”
Naturally Phoenix began his inquiry as to who this special young lady was, this started by him simply touching her hand with his, and immediately an expression of confusion came and was gone almost the instant it appeared then converted into his patented “I knew it“ expression. 
“A gentleman and a bit of a charmer too,” commented the rosy blooming Venus.  “I see the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
Venus didn’t notice this nor the sarcastic parental twang in his voice as he referred to me.   She was too busy playing in her hair and adjusting her outfit as Phoenix was contriving a story about how much I talked about her.   The conversation was cut short because she was in a rush to get to her practice session for the spring performance and politely offered us a chance to come hear her practice performance in 45 minutes at the theater before she hugged us both and hurried along.


EXIT EXIT

    As she was leaving, Phoenix zoned out for a moment, which only meant his “mojo” kicked in overdrive.  “Nephilum,” he said in a whisper.  Then he looks at me with an expression I’ve only seen once as a child.  It was the day Uncle Adonijah disappeared.  It was also the 1st time I overheard him mention that name, “Nephilum.” A paralyzing chill overcame me as I recalled the day it happened.  I was at the old house, “Villa De Apple” I called it because it used to belong to Steve Jobs.  The house was already tricked out, a bonafide iHome.  Uncle Adonijah was always working experiments when he wasn’t debating Phoenix.  He was a real super genius who often talked over your understanding, but my mind often muses over the many ramblings of that great man of “imaginering.”  Something I always accused him of doing because it seemed that he could build almost anything he could imagine.  He was creating and patenting, and building more and more complex security measures.  He had automated systems that could read your DNA from saliva particles in the air and determine your intentions from coming into his lab based on your “bio readings.”  I loved just walking through and seeing what he was up to, especially when I “figured out” some strange mystery he had randomly laid on me two weeks prior.  It’s a good day when it only takes two weeks.  Well I noticed we had visitors on the property, men in black suits canvassing the property and interviewing all the help.  Then I noticed the Left Wing of the house was completely gone.  Like someone just removed a sphere shaped chunk of the house and foundation, he and his lab where gone.  I had arrived there 10 minutes before Phoenix, some of the Famlee (A name we foster kids gave ourselves) were there when it happened.  Darn HD brain of mine, about the only thing I have in common with uncle.  All that is left of him now are some technological items and systems we were able to scavenge from the old house.

An explosion from the east exit.  Carbon flakes from the heat and flames. Venus just ran toward that direction.  My heart sank.  Three more bombs, the same I suppose due to the flames and heat, but I didn’t hear anything.  Not the crash of glass, not the explosive boom, the crackle of the flames, nor the yells of Phoenix.  Judging from his lips he was telling me that we needed to leave immediately, but all I could think about was Venus burning like the surface of the planet that bares her name.  I always do this when I get overwhelmed with stress, I silence the world around me.  I find my movement and dash for the east opening toward the flames.  The air was thick with heat, and lightweight debris was snowing down.  I released a sonic wave from my mouth to disperse the smoke which exited a huge gaping hole where the small space dividing the outside elements from the interior of the Student Center but the whole exit was still aflame. I didn’t even notice the two new bombs that had crashed through the upper walls into the center of the Building behind me.  I blasted the flames with sonic waves attempting to part the flames as Moses the red sea.  I could see a body burning, it looked like a body bag made of fire. A hand grabbed me on the shoulder just as I felt an intense heat begin to singe the hair on the back of my neck.  Then I was looking at the outside of the smoldering Student Center as it disintegrated and the explosion then almost immediately imploded leaving only a crater.
    Phoenix was looking attentively around us, I knew something was still about to go down. This told us to be on the ready. All I could think about was Venus' body burning in the entrance way, & how they robbed me of my joy, my life, my heart was beating ill regularly. I could barely keep myself off the ground, barely tell where the ground and sky ended as they kept trading places. I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"you have got to pull yourself together Bro. Hush", came the deep calming voice of Zenith.
"Th..T...They killed her....my future is gone!"
"You future is laid out by God, its not over til He gives the red light, your time is still tic’n young man", he assured.
"you know your calling, you know your manner of life, we don‘t weep as those who have no hope." He said it like it was common sense, I don’t know why that reassured me, but immediately my vitals got back in line, i felt like a novice, and all my physical training seemed mute, Paul was right when he told Timothy about such things barely profiting in the long run.
"Thank you Zee"
"Don’t speak to soon, but I am my brothers keeper"
What was said next almost put me back into shock.  In our circle, business is spoken in French, casual in English, Greek means serious danger, you don’t want to hear Greek.  It’s a dead language, and whenever Phenyx speaks it, you could almost smell the stench of death.  It was the language I heard around the word Nephilum when Uncle Adonijah disappeared.  Despite the soothing voice of Zenith, the Language didn’t shake my soul any less.
“Be strong”, he said in French,
I knew I had to be vigilant in the coming minutes.
As I struggled to my feet, I noticed how still the world around me was, Zee always knew how to give a brotha a minute, literally. With the current situation I needed my wits about me. As time shifted back into gear the whine of a motorcycle approaching rapidly could only mean that my Familiar, Daedan had heard the commotion, from across campus. He's gifted too.  Immediately he realizes the situation.
"There is an unfamiliar heartbeat nearby, is it them?" Daedan said in French.
"Always a matter of time" said Zee in Greek.
"They could have picked a better time" blurted Phenyx in Greek.
"there are....dogs coming and a rider on…on something", said Daedan in Greek adjusting his vernacular.
"they are not the average of the sort no doubt" noted Phenyx
Daedan noticed my sadness. Speaking in French, "Fam you alright?"
"They killed her Dae....they messed up" (Greek)
    My sonar was pulsing faster than and faster, accelerating with the rate of my heart.  Nostrils flaring, low frequency sound waves bellowed from my skin like the sound of 100 roaring BOSE subwoofers.  The atmosphere reverberated around me pushing the air molecules in waves like the ocean, and causing the grass to dance about my feet. I sensed what my Familiar stated earlier.
“Il y a 4… chiens que je pense” I said half heartedly, from my sonar it looked like three dog‘s of some kind approaching us, and something huge.
“One must be a Rhinoceros, what else could be so big?”
“Or make such a tremor wave?” said Dae.
“Seems we have a Rider Phoenix.” Zenith commented.
I was not familiar with what a Rider was, but the dogs where the front line, so I wanted to finish them off quickly.  There was a boom from me breaking the sound barrier. I found out I could do that one day.  I sped in their direction at mach 3 evading the trees and campus landscaping.  I heard the bones crack in the skull of the “demon dog” in the middle when I hit it, a combination in of a punch at 345 meters per second, and a concussion blast I generated from my left fist.  My own special concoction.  This did not go unnoticed by the other two, because a second dog struggled to change direction abruptly, and charged from my left with the quickness of a greyhound.  It looked like a Doberman, with teeth like a gator.  I crushed the skull with the downward force of my axe kick.  Which put its head in the ground like an ostrich.  The 3rd one I blasted with ultra-high frequency sound waves.  Sad to say, animals where hurt in the making of this film.  The rider was close and the ground started shaking, almost enough to mask a creature that had come up from the ground behind me claws the size of sharpies. I always wanted to do one of those Bruce Lee back-hands, and I had the speed to make it happen. So I closed my eyes, and the thing flew up into the tree as I did my best "whaaa" impression. Didn't expect the claws to imbed that far into the tree.  The others were heading my way, but the rider was nearly upon me.  I hid in the tree opposite the downed creature and waited.  The rider was a dark red skinned man with bluish sandy hair who was built like a comic book hero with superhuman strength. The thing it rode looked like something from The Island of Dr. Moreau.  It had a horse’s body that was twice the size of a Clydesdale with the exoskeleton of a blue crab and a head of a mantis with the forearms to match. It looked dead into my direction and I heard a voice in my head.
"Syx knows of me." It said.
    When emotions supersedes logic, and takes over the biology and then the focus of  those feelings is ripped from a soul, how long should the period of mourning last?  When love is lost. It…was it love…or is it some confusing new addition of emotion masquerading as love?  It is often said that we don’t appreciate something until it’s gone.  What is a man to do when he has lost something that he cherished? How does a soul move forward when they have lost the one thing that at that moment of time, they appreciated the most.  Romeo his Juliet, Isaac his Rachel, Adam his Eve.  What is the standard time for the song of our adoration to subside as a siren in the distance.  This thing was responsible for my pain, and I could hardly figure out the growing riot of thoughts that screamed in my head, holding up the signs of my dark emotions.  I had to quiet them, and that path leads me through this monster, so with quiet resolve…I shall…proceed…to hush the crowd.
“Un silence est tombé au-dessus de la foule.”